


shouldn't talk about it

by poiintprometheus



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: AU goes beyond the AI thing but i dont want to spoil it so ill be adding the necessary tags as we go, AU where the teams aware of their state as AI and tell Gordon before act 4, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), benrey is so touched starved please give them hugs, gordon too for that matter, more tags to come, skeleton plays a possession role but it's not sentient or malicious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24601837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poiintprometheus/pseuds/poiintprometheus
Summary: "i just hate this, man." they frown up at the stars. The fake stars hanging in the fake sky. All fake. "why's it gotta be us? why's it gotta beme?why do i have to be the big bad that everyone hates? thathehates?"
Relationships: Benrey & Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Dr. Coomer & Gordon Freeman
Comments: 71
Kudos: 354





	1. revelations

**Author's Note:**

> aa hii i haven't published a fic in years so i'm a little nervous but! i'm really excited about the ideas i have for this fic so i'm really gonna do my best to finish it! 
> 
> updates will be slow tho, blease be patient w/ me :,)
> 
> (title is from stolen dance by milky chance!)

"You know, if you wanted to get away from everyone, you should have chosen a better place to go." 

The voice startles them more than it probably should have – they jolt, and whip around to look at the intruder. A warm smile greets them, allowing them to almost instantly relax back against the vent. Benrey watches Dr. Coomer approach with only a vague note of apprehension. They feel relatively safe around him, and trust he won't do anything to harm them. At least, not intentionally.

It's only then they process what Coomer had actually _said,_ mumbling out a low ' _huh?'_ but not waiting for him to repeat his sentence before replying.

"oh, yeah, well. didn't want to go too far." They glance away from him as he sits himself down on the roof beside them, though not too close to be in their personal bubble. "still gotta keep an eye on freeman."

They see Dr. Coomer nod in the corner of their vision, relieved that he accepts the lie so easily. Benrey would be the last to admit just how afraid they were of getting left behind. How many times they'd lost the rest of the team and had had to wander aimlessly for hours to find them again. No, Dr. Coomer didn't have to know how afraid they were of being erased if they stayed too far away from Gordon for too long.

After a moment of silence, Benrey allows their gaze to wander back up to the sky. Being in the middle of the desert, far from any significant light pollution, the Milky Way is visible with a startling clarity. It looks so real, Benrey almost forgets just where and what they are. They wonder if Coomer knows. Surely he must. He's shown signs of awareness, but his habit of falling into scripted dialogue and triggers shows the script has tight reign over him. 

A stab of fear rushes over Benrey then. The script. The _game._ That's all it is. A game with rules and a script that controls their words and actions. For the most part, at least. Benrey generally has freedom to roam and speak as they please, but they had a character to portray, and storybeats to uphold. And in those moments, when they're _scripted_ to do something – Benrey has never known such fear. No control over what they say or do. As if their consciousness is shoved to the side as some puppeteer takes over.

They're pretty sure it has something to do with the skeleton. The one that has spoken with their voice, convinced Gordon it was _them_ , to make them seem more antagonistic than they ever wanted to be. The skeleton, Benrey thinks, is one of the manifestations of the script.

(For something tells them that there are more – the skeleton is just unique Benrey, making sure they're doing what they're supposed to be doing as their role as antagonist, even if they don't _want_ to–)

"For someone who seems so aloof, you sure think quite loudly," Coomer says suddenly, and it snaps Benrey from their thoughts.

They look over at him, but his eyes are on the sky. His brow is furrowed, like he's trying to concentrate on something up there, something Benrey can't see. 

"huh? what're you talkin' about, man?" Benrey asks, because despite knowing what Coomer is saying, they aren't sure how else to respond. Dr. Coomer finally turns his gaze onto Benrey, and they're suddenly very uncomfortable under such scrutiny. Those eyes study them, strip them apart piece by piece and lay them out so all their thoughts and secrets can be read with ease. If they needed to breathe, they're positive they would be suffocating.

"Benrey, you're not the only one dealing with… all of this," Coomer says, and his voice is low and serious in a way that Benrey hasn't heard before. They stare at him, unable to meet his eyes, unable to so much as move under that gaze. "We're all handling this differently, but you don't have to do it alone. Dr. Freeman isn't here, we can speak freely of it, of the game."

It's more off-putting than it should be, to hear Coomer refer to their situation so openly. Benrey shifts, and looks away. They're quiet for a moment, deliberating the pros and cons of opening up to this man. It's not like he could tell Gordon any of it, even if he _wanted_ to. They heave a weary sigh, and cross their arms, unable to fully drop the aloof, nonchalant persona. 

"i just hate this, man." they frown up at the stars. The fake stars hanging in the fake sky. All _fake_ . "why's it gotta be us? why's it gotta be _me?_ why do i have to be the big bad that everyone hates? that _he_ hates?"

"i didn't fucking – i didn't _want_ to hurt him! i– wh? huh?"

Benrey looks around, confused, as does Coomer. They try to say more, but can't do anything beyond a mumbled 'bro?'

A sound rings from behind, and both turn to see none other than Gordon himself scrambling out of the hole in the roof. That would explain it. Benrey can see Coomer's brow furrow, clearly confused as to why Gordon would be 'awake'. He's done playing for the night, right? Well, obviously not. Benrey can't help but feel a tinge of disappointment that their conversation has been cut short. Who knows when they'll next get the chance to talk about this, if ever, before the game ends? 

Coomer's face is suddenly wiped of any confusion, replaced by his signature jovial smile as he gets to his feet to help Gordon up. 

"Ah, hello, Gordon! Wasn't expecting you to be up at such a late hour, rest is important after all!" Coomer is saying as he approaches. Gordon doesn't say anything in response right away as Coomer grabs his hand and hefts him up with ease.

"Yeah, I– I know, Coomer. Couldn't sleep," Gordon replies after a beat. He looks between Coomer and Benrey, confusion clear on his face. "I just– I heard talking. I wanted to see what was up."

Coomer glances back at Benrey, who just stares at Gordon intensely. They wonder if he'd heard anything at all, if he's just that good at hiding it. They doubt it – the man wears his emotions on his sleeve; probably to make it easier for them, as "A.I." to react and interact with him. 

"Ah, yes, we were having trouble sleeping as well! Nothing calms the mind better than stargazing with good friends," Coomer says, clearly trying to dissuade any potential suspicion from Gordon. Benrey can't hold back a scoff, knowing Gordon would be suspicious of them no matter what they did. They turn away, falling back against the vent with their arms crossed.

They can feel the script, at the back of their head, niggling at them to say something patronizing to Gordon, maybe taunt him for being unable to sleep or something along those lines. They resolutely keep their mouth shut. Without the skeleton there to directly control them, they refuse to be antagonistic towards him. Script can suck it for all they care.

The familiar, heavy footfalls of the HEV suit nearing set them on edge, and they tense, almost expecting Gordon to knock them off the roof right then and there. They only glance up at him briefly as he comes to a halt at their side, looking down at them with suspicion (of course) and… worry? Concern? Benrey looks at him fully and yeah, there's clear concern on that beautiful face. What the hell?

"Benrey," Gordon says quietly. He kneels down, so they're eye level, and Benrey has to look away. "I… heard what you said."

The statement catches them so off guard, they can't stop themself from openly gaping at him. He- he _had_ heard them? The game had been too late to shut them up. Now Gordon _knows._ Benrey isn’t sure how to feel about that. Or how to respond to the information presented. So they just shut their mouth, and stare at Gordon, doing their best to put on an air of casual nonchalance they already know won’t work.

“yeah, so?” they say, and Gordon’s face twists into a frustrated scowl.

“Cut the shit, Benrey. I know it’s an act. How long have you known?” Gordon glances over his shoulder to Coomer, whose standing back, fiddling nervously with his hands. “How long have all of you known?”

“Well, Gordon– I– we– Hello, Gordon! No, sorry, it’s– Hel– He–” Coomer makes a frustrated sound, and Benrey’s chest twists with the display. They know the feeling, so desperate to fight against their coding, to say _something_ but - 

“Jesus, okay, okay, you don’t have to explain it to me, Dr. Coomer. I can- God,” Gordon turns back, putting his hand to his head. In that moment, he looks more exhausted than Benrey has ever seen him, like the whole world is weighing on his shoulders. “That bad, huh?”

His eyes are worn and tired when he looks at Benrey, who hesitantly gives a small, curt nod. It’s the most they can do. Gordon sighs heavily, and closes his eyes, shoulders sagging.

“I had no idea… I just thought– I just thought it was good programming, with flaws but– God, you guys are _aware_ . You knew. And you couldn’t say anything,” Gordon’s mumbling, and Benrey wonders if he even knows he’s speaking out loud. They don’t say anything in response - they _can’t_ say anything. Gordon takes a few deep breaths, and looks back up at Benrey. “You… you didn’t want to do it, huh?”

He glances at his right arm, at the bloody stump where his hand had once been. Benrey winces, and makes a slight movement with their head. They want to shake it, but are hardly able to. Gordon seems to understand, thankfully, and he groans softly.

“Something forcing you?”

Again, another movement, as close to a nod as Benrey can get it. Coomer comes up, then, moving to sit on Benrey’s other side. He’s frowning, but his face keeps twitching - no, _glitching,_ as if trying to force that smile onto his face. Gordon watches him with a slightly horrified expression. 

“I apologize, Gordon. I can speak a bit more freely than our friend at the moment.” Benrey doesn’t even want to know how or why Coomer would know that. Must be due to his role as the primary ‘tutorial’ npc that he has access to information like that. “However, as you now know, there are certainly many… restrictions, as to what even _I_ can say around you.”

“Yeah, I got that,” Gordon murmurs. He’s staring at them both as if they’re entirely different people. And maybe, in a way, they are in his mind. They’d been nothing more than npc’s with advanced A.I. before, and now… they must seem something closer to actual _people._ Benrey wonders what that kind of realization must be like. “I… I’m sorry. For all the shit I said and… how I’ve been treating you guys. Especially you, Benrey.”

Now that’s something Benrey never expected to hear. They look at him, at how earnest and guilty he looks. They can feel their cheeks heat up, and they look away with a shrug and a grumbled “whatever”. It’s the closest they can get to telling him that they forgive him. They hope he understands. And in the corner of their vision, they can see a small smile briefly grace his face. It only makes their face feel hotter, and they hunch their shoulders in a poor attempt to hide it. Thankfully, Gordon doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he looks back at Dr. Coomer.

“I- what do we do now? Do I just keep playing like nothing happened? I don’t know if I can -”

“Well, Gordon, I don’t think we have much choice but to keep pushing forward,” Coomer interjects quickly, voice soft, and Benrey looks over at him. He’s smiling, but it’s not the one he’s usually wearing. This one’s small, and gentle. Sincere – the smile a grandfather would give when his grandkids needed comfort. And even though Benrey knows it’s not directed at them, it still works in providing a small amount of said comfort. “I think… things will be better when this is all over.”

Benrey understands what that means. When the game is over, there won’t be any reason for the script or code or anything like that to control them. It will be the closest thing to freedom they'll ever get. That is, if ending the game doesn’t mean the end of their existences. That's the worst case scenario, and Benrey doesn’t want to even think about it being a possibility. They’ll be okay. They have to be.

“What do you– oh.” Benrey looks back at Gordon, who has his eyes on the ground, clearly deep in thought.

A warm hand on Benrey’s shoulder startles them slightly, and they turn to see Coomer giving them that same soft smile. Any tension in them instantly melts away, and they do their best to return the smile, though they’re sure it looks more like a grimace. They can’t remember the last time they’d been allowed to properly smile. Gordon makes a small noise, and they both turn their attention to him. He’s staring at them with no small amount of wonder. “I… Okay, I’ll finish the game. And I’m going to figure out a way to get you guys out of here. At least… maybe I can move you to my computer? I don’t know, but I’ll figure something out, okay?”

Coomer’s hand tightens slightly on Benrey’s shoulder.

“Hello, Gordon!” he says, and it’s obvious he’d wanted to say something else, but Gordon clearly gets the message. He smiles at them both, and it makes Benrey’s face warm all over again. 

"Alright, cool. I'm– I'm glad I know this now. It's going to make it hard to keep playing, especially if–" Gordon looks at Benrey, brow furrowed. "If you're going to be the 'final boss'. But… it– I kinda was hoping that you guys were more than just A.I. all this time. It's been hard to not get attached, even to you, Benrey. A-and…–"

"Gordon, the feeling is very much reciprocated. We all care a lot for you. It's…" Benrey glances over to Coomer as his voice cuts off, and is only slightly surprised to see his eyes shining with unshed tears. He clears his throat, and Benrey lays a hand over the one still resting on their shoulder, doing their best to provide comfort for Coomer as he'd done for them. It seems to work, as his shoulders loosen, and he shoots Benrey a tiny, grateful smile before looking back up at Gordon. "I know _I'm_ happy to hear that you care for us, Gordon. And I'm sure Benrey feels the same."

Benrey nods, and opens their mouth, hoping this at least can be something they can say. And there's a _lot_ they want to say to Gordon. But all that comes out is a low, 'yeah, sure' that makes them wince and grit their teeth the moment it's out of their mouth. They quickly turn away to hide their embarrassment, soothed slightly as Coomer gently rubs their shoulder. 

"It's alright, Ben, I get it," Gordon says softly. That's new… Benrey isn't immediately sure how they feel about the nickname, but they say nothing as Gordon reaches out and lays a hand on their other shoulder. The contact is stiff at first, but the moment Benrey relaxes into it, Gordon does as well. He rubs Benrey's shoulder much the same as Coomer and such positive physical attention quickly becomes overwhelming in the best of ways. 

If they could cry, they would be with how plain _nice_ it feels to be touched without the expectation of hurt. To have two people they trust so deeply comfort them like this… after all they'd done (even if they hadn't wanted to do a majority of it, they'd still _done_ it). As it stands, they put their face in their hands to hide how much this is affecting them. They hear Coomer hum quietly and squeeze their shoulder again.

"We've got you, Benrey," Coomer says, and that's all it takes. They start to tremble, making small, choked off sounds, and it's the closest to crying they can get to. 

Gordon stays with them for a long while after that. Later than he usually does. The sky doesn't move in the time Gordon spends with them, atop that roof, and it takes away the thin illusion of reality. Gordon seems unbothered, or more like he doesn't even notice at all. He talks with them in a gentle, tired voice, to which Coomer typically is the one to respond. Which is fine, Benrey doesn't think they would talk, even if they could. They're content to sit and listen, the warm weight of hands on their shoulders keeping them grounded.

They fall asleep eventually. And when they awake they're laying down, Gordon limp beside them with his hand still resting on their arm. They can feel a light pressure on their head, tapping gently on the hard plastic of their helmet. They glance up to see Coomer sitting back, looking at the sky, which finally seems to have shifted position in the time Benrey had slept, now the soft lavender of dawn. Coomer looks down at them when they move, and smiles.

"Gordon was worried when you passed out. He's never seen you actually sleep before, I don't think," he says, a tinge of humour in his voice. Benrey smirks at the mental image of Gordon quietly freaking out over them sleeping, of all things. 

"sounds about right," they reply, looking over at the unnaturally still form of Gordon's 'resting' body. Like a puppet with its strings cut, Benrey thinks to themself. "such a worry wart, even over the big baddie."

"He has a good heart." Coomer looks at Gordon as well, expression soft and fond. "I think we got very lucky. Somehow… I know we could have gotten stuck with a player who wouldn't be nearly as caring. Even after learning of our… predicament."

Benrey nods. They know what he means. They had gotten lucky with Gordon. They only hope the end of the game (which Benrey is sure they all know is coming soon) won't mean the end of their time with him.


	2. memories?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: slight panic attacks

The room is empty and quiet, save for the hum of some computers against the far wall, and the distant echo of voices from the rest of the group scouting the area down the hall. Benrey lets out a sigh, and collapses back against the wall beside the door, sliding down it until they're seated on the ground. They aren't going to shut the door entirely, despite their urge to do so. They need to be able to hear the others, just in case something were to happen. And so they don't get left behind.

Again.

Benrey sighs once more, and brings their legs to their chest. They know Gordon won't leave them behind again. He's been so much more patient with them – all of them – for the past two days since that night on the roof. Benrey can tell he still gets frustrated with  _ them _ ; speaking their mind is no easier than it had been before and it's often difficult to resist the urge to fall back on petty insults and childish behavior. But he doesn't yell at them nearly as much as he used to before. He's seemed to have discovered the difference between when Benrey is just messing around with him (now he’ll even sometimes play along with it) and when they say something they didn't really  _ want  _ to say.

(He'll look over at them in those moments, quietly studying them. They're never able to meet his eyes, and they're always afraid of having gone too far without wanting or meaning to. And sometimes they'll have the strength to fight their coding back enough to mumble a soft "didn't mean it, man" which is the closest they can get to "i'm sorry, i didn't want to say that”. Even though they can’t directly apologize, he always seems to understand when they want to. He'll smile at them. Soft, private, a smile just for  _ them _ **_,_ ** a smile that says "it's okay, I understand, I forgive you" and then he'll turn around and continue on as if nothing had ever happened.)

Benrey's hesitant to hope for it, but they really think they're finally becoming actual friends. It's all Benrey could ever want (well, maybe not  _ all _ , but they know when they're asking for too much), and while a huge part of them is eccastic at the development, there's a small voice in their mind that reminds them of the role they still need to fill in all of this. They are still the antagonist of the game, they're still going to be the big boss Gordon and the Science Team will have to face at the end of it all. And they're afraid – terrified – that Gordon will hate them because of it. Maybe irrationally so, but the fear lingers no matter how hard they try to fight it. The worst part is they can’t even talk to Gordon about it, can’t ask for the reassurance they desperately need from him that things will be okay between them.

"Hello? Benrey, are you in here?" 

The voice startles Benrey more than they'll ever admit. They practically leap to their feet and whip around, only to find it’s just Tommy peaking in, one hand on the door handle, the other holding two cans of what Benrey can only assume is soda.

Tommy smiles and Benrey instantly relaxes, crossing their arms and leaning against the wall in a futile attempt to hide how surprised they'd been. Tommy thankfully doesn’t comment, and let's himself into the room. He walks over to Benrey and holds out one of the cans for Benrey to take, which they do with a silent nod of thanks. Tommy then leans against the wall next to Benrey, opening his own soda and taking an unnecessarily loud sip of it (a habit he picked up from both Bubby and Dr. Coomer, no doubt). 

The man is nervous. Benrey can tell almost immediately, studying him from the corner of their eye as they slowly open their own can. They make no move to drink from it just yet. Benrey watches as Tommy wipes his mouth with his sleeve before he practically cradles the can to his chest with both hands, fingers tapping the aluminum to an unsteady beat as he looks around the room – anywhere but at Benrey. 

After a few moments of silence, Benrey takes a small drink of their soda (it's their favorite kind, Dr. Pepper, and they let themselves smile briefly knowing Tommy had remembered such a minute detail about them). They then softly clear their throat, getting Tommy's attention.

"there something you wanna talk about?" Benrey asks, right to the point as they always are. Tommy looks at them, the two make eye contact, then both look away quickly. Tommy takes another sip.

"Yeah, there is, but I just don't… know  _ how  _ to talk about it?" He says, though it sounds like a question. Benrey studies him intently for a moment.

"is it… about the– the uh… s-sc–  _ rules?" _ Benrey bites out through clenched teeth. God, do they hate how much the script limits their speech when Gordon is ‘awake’. Luckily, Tommy understands what Benrey had been trying to ask. He thinks for a moment, and then shakes his head.

"N-no, I don't think it's that. Maybe they're related though? I don't know." Tommy's can tapping gets quicker, more chaotic as his anxiety visibly grows. Benrey hesitantly puts a hand on his shoulder, which does seem to help him relax a little bit. He takes in a small breath, and turns his head to more fully look at Benrey. "Do you ever get memories or feelings that don't… feel like they belong? Like they're  _ yours _ but they don't fit with everything else you should know?”

Benrey blinks. They open their mouth to respond, but they suddenly feel as if they’re suffocating. Their vision begins to blur and glitch, and all that comes from their mouth is a garbled noise before everything goes dark. 

\----

The first thing Benrey is aware of are distant voices, distorted and unintelligible, as if they were submerged underwater. There’s a pressure against his cheek, warm and comforting, that they instinctively lean into. However, the action causes the pressure to leave, and instead it moves down to their shoulder. They let out a soft whine, distantly aware that one of the voices has gotten louder. 

Awareness comes back to them all at once, and Benrey’s eyes snap open. The sight that greets them is a very worried Gordon Freeman hovering over them, his hand on their shoulder as he continues talking - well, it’s more like scared yelling but it’s clear he’s trying to keep his voice down. Behind him, Benrey can see Bubby hunched over what they can only assume is Tommy, Dr. Coomer standing anxiously in the middle, looking more concerned than Benrey had ever seen him. Their attention is redirected back to Gordon when he shakes them gently. 

“Benrey? Come on, man, say something, what the fuck happened? Are you okay? God, what the fuck-” Gordon is rambling, and he sounds so scared and worried it makes Benrey feel almost more guilty than when they’d betrayed him.  _ Almost.  _ Regardless, they move to sit up and Gordon immediately shuts up and backs up enough to give them room. His hand doesn’t leave their shoulder, and he’s watching them intently, as if scared they’ll fall apart at any second. And they kind of feel like they might, as they get hit with an intense dizzy spell the moment they're sitting up fully that makes them groan and hunch forward. 

What the fuck  _ had  _ happened? They vaguely remember retreating to this room for a moment to themselves, and Tommy coming in with soda. They’d talked about… something. Their memory gets hazy, and then... nothing. Had they both just collapsed? Judging by the two puddles of soda between them, Benrey assumes the answer is yes. 

“Ben…?” Gordon asks softly. His hand moves down so it’s rubbing their back in soothing circular motions. Benrey glances up at him, and then over at Bubby and Tommy. Gordon follows their gaze, and they watch as Bubby helps a very confused and ragged looking Tommy sit up. He’s rubbing his eye, looking all around the room as if seeing it for the first time. Bubby says something, but it’s too quiet for Benrey to catch. Tommy just shakes his head and shrugs helplessly. He looks for all the world like he’s about to cry. Benrey has to look away.

“I don’t know,” they can hear Tommy say, distress growing with each word. “I- I can’t remember, I don’t know,  _ I don’t know!” _

Benrey can hear Bubby and Coomer talking in low, comforting voices, doing their best to calm the man down. He’s mumbling anxiously, explaining in fragmented sentences that all he could remember was grabbing soda with the intent on talking to Benrey about something important - “But I can’t remember - I can’t - I don’t know what it was - it’s just  _ gone!” - _ and his memory was just blank from the moment he’d touched the door handle. God, he remembered even less than Benrey did. 

“fuck…” they groan quietly and put their face in their hands. “fuck,  _ fuck!” _

They can tell all eyes are on them but they don’t care. They know this was a product of the script, of the game, the code, whatever. They don’t care. One of them had said something they weren’t supposed to and the game had just wiped their memories of it. Benrey realizes they should probably count themselves lucky the script hadn’t seen fit to reset them entirely. It’s not as if Benrey hadn’t been reset before (the game’s certainly tried several times, but has never succeeded and Benrey wasn’t about to try to question why) but they have no idea how it would have affected Tommy, who they’re positive has never had to go through that. What could they have possibly been talking about to have triggered this to happen? What if they accidentally talked about it again and they were all reset? Or worse-?

This is so fucked. 

Gordon hasn’t said anything, and for once Benrey is grateful that he’s staying quiet. They don’t know if they can handle trying to talk around the script’s stupid limitations right now. He does, however, move to wrap his arm around Benrey’s shoulders, pulling them in for a hug, and they go easily, practically collapsing against him. They could care less about how sharp and bulky the HEV suit is, how it reeks of blood and rot. It’s Gordon, and that’s all that matters. 

They try their hardest to tune out the sound of Tommy crying, of Dr. Coomer and Bubby doing their best to comfort him. They close their eyes, and focus on the sound of the HEV suit’s quiet humming and whirring until their thoughts fall into the blissful silence of sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aa sorry this one's a little shorter and im SORRY i feel so guilty for making tommy cry i want to give him hugs ;n;
> 
> anyways i just wanted to say thank u to everyone who left a comment! i really wasn't expecting such positive feedback, especially so soon, and it just really means a lot! i'm so excited to be writing this, and it means so much to hear that people are excited to read! :,)


	3. a conversation

It’s dark when Benrey wakes up again. Feeling slightly disoriented, they blink and wait for their eyes to adjust. As the room slowly comes into focus they can see where Tommy, Bubby and Coomer had decided to lay down to sleep, curled up together against the opposite wall with Tommy tucked in between the two older scientists.

Benrey then realizes  _ they're _ not laying down, and are instead propped up against something decidedly uncomfortable, a light pressure wrapped around their waist. Benrey blinks and slowly glances behind them, just enough to see a familiar face, lax and devoid of any sign of life. They’re in Gordon’s lap, his arms still around them. He’s leaning against the wall, entirely still - even the HEV suit is silent, and cold. A mockery of sleep, but at least Benrey knows for a fact that he’s not dead. Gordon’s death would mark the end of everything, they  _ know  _ that. It still always freaks them out a little to see him like that. He sure  _ seems  _ dead.

Benrey debates with themself for a few moments, about whether they should move out of Gordon’s lap or not, and ultimately decides to stay there for as long as they can. Who knows when they’ll next get the chance to practically cuddle Gordon Freeman? It’s not exactly comfortable, sure, and the man’s stillness will never not be unsettling but… they don’t really care. It’s  _ Gordon _ , who had held them close and offered them comfort when they needed it. 

Despite how stressful and horrible everything is, Benrey can’t help the flutter in their chest, thinking about how worried Gordon had been over them. He really does care about them, huh?

Their thoughts are interrupted by a quiet noise from across the room. Benrey’s eyes snap up, and they can see Tommy yawn and stretch before very slowly pulling himself up to sit. There are more mumbles as Bubby and Dr. Coomer are disturbed from their respective slumbers and start to rouse as well. Bubby whines something incoherent, clearly not wanting to wake up. Coomer, meanwhile, is immediately wide awake, eyes clear and face already sporting a smile. He looks directly at Benrey as the other two men go through the motions of bringing themselves to full awareness. Benrey just stares back, doing their best to not feel embarrassed at having been caught cuddling with what may as well have been a lifeless husk. 

Dr. Coomer just smiles wider, and motions for Benrey to come over. They’re hesitant to leave Gordon’s embrace so soon, but they know there are a lot of things the four of them need to talk about while they can. So, with a soft grunt, Benrey slowly pushes Gordon’s arms off of them and stumbles to their feet. Their thoughts are no longer as foggy as they'd been before, but Benrey still draws a blank when trying to remember their conversation with Tommy. Benrey shakes their head, and walks over to the group, who are now all sitting up and (mostly) awake. 

Tommy is squinting up at Benrey, and it’s then they remember that the lights in the room are still off. They don’t feel like walking all the way over to where the light switch is, and honestly the fluorescent lights would probably be too harsh on their eyes anyways. So instead, Benrey sings a soft tune, their Black Mesa sweet voice providing a source of light in hues of soft yellow. Tommy doesn’t translate, but they’re sure the other men can gather the meaning easily enough. With the group sufficiently lit, Benrey lets themself sit down, across from Tommy, with Coomer and Bubby on either side.

The four remain in silence for a few moments. It’s thick, and awkward, all four having things to say and questions to ask. None of them know how to broach the subject. Eventually, though, Bubby heaves an exaggerated sigh and crosses his arms.

“Alright, if no one is going to talk about it, I will. What the hell happened back there, you two?” Bubby asks, eyes darting between Tommy and Benrey. “You both wander off without saying a damn thing and we’re left to wonder where the hell you’d gone, only to stumble upon your bodies surrounded by soda in some random ass room? It was by pure chance we’d even found you, you know that? The door was closed, we could have completely looked over it and then what? Huh? Game decides you’re useless and fucking erases you, and we never have any idea what happened? Not even - not even a  _ trace-” _

Dr. Coomer reaches over and places a hand on Bubby’s knee, immediately causing him to snap his mouth shut with an audible click. He grumbles beneath his breath and looks away, shoulder hunching to his ears. Benrey bites their lip, unsure of what to do as Tommy, too, reaches out to gently touch Bubby’s arm. 

“W-we’re sorry, Bubby. We didn’t mean to scare you,” Tommy says softly. Bubby huffs.

“Scared?! I wasn’t scared, I was just- just-”

“It’s alright, Bubby,” Dr. Coomer says with a smile clearly reserved for Bubby, and Bubby alone. "We were all quite afraid, there's no need to be embarrassed."

The man in question blushes and looks to the ground, but says nothing more to argue the point. Satisfied, Coomer turns his attention back onto Benrey.

"Benrey, can you tell us what it is  _ you  _ remember? Any little bit helps to figure out what triggered the wipe." Coomer asks, tilting his head to the side in curiosity. Benrey nods and takes a breath they don't need.

"i– yeah, uh… i remember a little more than tommy," they say slowly. Immediately, the three other men have their eyes on Benrey. They bite their lip and cross their arms, uneasy with the sudden attention on them. "i-it's not really much, though. i just wanted to take a break, came to this room and i _had_ the door open just in– just in case because i gotta know if something happens. and then, uh… tommy came in with some soda, my favorite, and he was real nervous. tapping and everything. he wanted to talk about something–uh _…_ it was _really_ important… about the script maybe? he uh asked… a question… then we both got brain wiped."

The group is quiet once Benrey finishes speaking. It's not much more to go off of. Benrey tries to think back on the memory, recounting what had happened the best they can in the moments leading up to being knocked out. They'd been standing next to the door, thinking about Gordon. They'd been thinking about the script and game then, too, and nothing had happened so they doubt it could have been that. Tommy had startled them, and had come in. He hadn't shut the door though, had he? He'd handed Benrey a soda, and had been drinking loudly from his own. Tapping his can. Nervous. And he'd asked… about…  _ something. _

Benrey can almost hear Tommy's voice when he'd asked the question, uncharacteristically quiet and scared and unsure. But what had it been  _ about?  _

Suddenly, Benrey lurches forward, letting out a groan at a sudden, piercing pain in their head, like a bullet ripping through their skull and tearing their brain to shreds. They're clawing at their helmet as the pain only worsens, until it's all they can think about, is all that exists. 

Then, just like that, it's gone, and Benrey is left a panting, trembling mess on the ground in front of their friends. Tommy's hands are on Benrey's back, rubbing circles into it as Gordon had done earlier. Coomer has grabbed one of Benrey's hands, and is holding it with both of his, murmuring things that are likely comforting if Benrey could understand what any of it meant. Bubby's not touching them, but he's watching as if ready to come in and help if needed. 

After a few moments of just focusing on clearing their head and getting the shaking under control, Benrey moves to push themself off the ground with a quiet grunt of effort. Tommy helps, and pulls Benrey to lean against him once they're seated. Benrey lets out a shaky breath, and shakes their head.

"game doesn't like me thinking about it too hard… almost remembered too," they croak out, and even the mention of the memory sends a sharp, throbbing pain through their head, making them groan and lean further against Tommy. Coomer sighs, and pats Benrey's hand.

"I feared as much," he says. "Tommy, try not to force yourself to think too hard about it, then. It could potentially be dangerous to you both to repeatedly try and break a barrier the code has set up in your thought processors. It's there for a reason, and while it  _ is  _ concerning we don't know what caused such a wipe, it hopefully won't happen again with these barriers in place. Perhaps it's best if we move on to another topic."

Benrey doesn't fully understand what Coomer means by barriers, but they get the feeling he's the only one who truly does. Which is fine, Benrey gets that they're not supposed to think about it and they're more than happy to listen to avoid feeling pain like that ever again. They feel Tommy shift, and an arm is wrapping around their shoulders. It's nice, Tommy is warm and soft in the ways Gordon's HEV suit isn't and it's exactly what Benrey's needed.

"Okay, Dr. Coomer. If– if it's not the uh… the incident we can talk about, what are we– is there something else we have to, uh, discuss?" Tommy asks, and Benrey has to crack an eye open (when had they closed them?) to look at Coomer. He glances at Bubby, who’s moved to sit closer to him, before looking back at Tommy.

"Well, as I'm sure you know, we've started the final act, as they'd call it. Which, of course, means the final boss is nearing," Coomer shoots a look at Benrey, who only curls further against Tommy. "And… the end of the game."

The words sit heavy in the air. Of course, they all  _ knew _ , but to have it spoken out loud makes everything feel all the more real. Dr. Coomer clears his throat, and shuffles a little in place.

"Let's not be so dreary, though, gentlemen. Who knows what–"

Coomer cuts off, freezes, and then smiles. 

"Ah, hello Gordon! Little early to be up, don't you think?"

Tommy, Benrey and Bubby all turn simultaneously at the words to look at the man in question. He's already on his feet and his face looks stormy. He looks between the group, eyes lingering on Benrey and Tommy, before he frowns and looks back at Coomer.

"No, I think it's the perfect time to be up, Dr. Coomer," Gordon says, though he sounds upset and distracted. He looks off for a few moments, brow furrowed and it's clear he's lost in thought. Whatever it is he's thinking about is clearly upsetting him greatly. Before any of the science team has a chance to speak or ask him what's wrong, Gordon shakes his head and turns around. When he speaks next, his voice is low and harsh. "Come on, let's go. I have a game to finish."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long this chapter was giving me problems but i'm pretty happy with how it turned out :)
> 
> sweet voice translation: soft yellows means it's time to be mellow


	4. repression

Gordon is not in a good mood. He hasn’t been since he ‘woke up’. It’s clear to the whole group that the man’s mind is somewhere else, and whatever it is he's thinking about is making him… well, grumpy is a nice way of saying it. He's yelled at Coomer and Bubby countless times and while _ that's  _ not unusual, he's also shouted at Tommy once or twice, something he's hardly ever done before. His tone has been different too, sounding legitimately  _ angry _ , no trace of his usual fond exasperation or laughter to be found. And, well…

He's ignoring Benrey.

Which, fine, Benrey can handle it if Gordon doesn't want to talk to them. It's fine, they don't care. It's better than him yelling at them all the time. He's not obligated to talk to them. Or look at them. Or so much as acknowledge their presence. They don't mind. It's fine, it's _ fine. _

Benrey watches as Gordon slams his crowbar down on a headcrab, over and over, until it's nothing more than a pile of pale yellow mush. The whole team is watching him in silence, unsure of what to do or say. Gordon's always had a short temper, sure, but he's never been  _ violent _ . In fact, he's always seemed to want to avoid violence as much as possible. To see him go at an already dead creature with such aggression… it was almost scary.

Coomer clears his throat, and Benrey’s eyes snap to him, though Gordon pays him no mind.

"Now, Gordon, I'm sure the thing is long dead, there's no need to–"

" _I know it's_ _dead!"_ Gordon cries out, whipping around to face Coomer, crowbar still in hand. His voice is hoarse from how much yelling he's been doing, and he's panting heavily. Coomer takes a step back, and Bubby immediately gets closer, a hand coming out to grab Coomer's arm as if preparing to pull him out of harm's way if need be.

"Gordon, there's really no reason to be acting this way," Dr. Coomer says, and Benrey can hear slight desperation in his tone. Gordon's expression goes dark, and he opens his mouth as if he's about to tear Coomer a new one. Okay, this was enough.

"yo, man, the fuck crawled up your ass and died, huh? why you actin' like some kinda bitch?" Benrey definitely had meant to say something different but honestly, they don't feel that bad about how the words came out. Gordon freezes, eyes slowly sliding over to look at Benrey for the first time since he’d woken up. His face is stormy and furious but there's something else there, too. Something he's desperately trying to cover up. 

"The fuck did you just say to me?" Gordon hisses. Benrey is watching his face closer now than before. Gordon's eyes shift away for a split second, and he's clenching his jaw so tight, Benrey can practically hear his teeth grinding against each other. He's… upset. He's  _ really  _ upset and he's trying to cover it up with anger. 

In the corner of Benrey's vision, they spot Tommy walking up to stand beside them. Gordon doesn’t even glance at him – where he'd seemingly done everything to avoid Benrey's very presence earlier, now it seems they’ve got his sole, undivided attention. They stare right back, not at all afraid of Gordon, and at this point, they're honestly more  _ concerned  _ than anything. 

"i asked what the fuck your deal is,  _ buddy,"  _ Benrey spits out. Ok, yeah, that definitely came off as a lot more antagonistic than necessary. "you're treating everyone here like shit when nobody's done anything to deserve it."

They want to add "except maybe me" but their mouth refuses to cooperate. So they puff their chest and cross their arms, even in the face of Gordon's clearly growing rage. They're willing to bear it all if it means the Science Team can finally catch a break. And Gordon is positively boiling with rage. Maybe it'd be scary if Benrey was in danger of serious harm or death, but they're not so they don't need to be. They don't. They're  _ not  _ scared.

Hell, maybe if Gordon is given the chance to take his emotions out on something, he'll finally stop acting like such an idiot and talk to them about what's wrong. Gordon looks about ready to tear into Benrey, crowbar raised and teeth bared. Benrey steals themself for it. Maybe it won't hurt nearly as much as it should physically, but Gordon hasn’t so much as raised a hand at them in days. They'd be lying if they said it wasn't going to  _ hurt _ .

Before Gordon can so much as move another inch, Tommy steps in front of Benrey, and puts his arm out, holding back Gordon with ease. Said man seems nothing if not absolutely shocked at how effortlessly strong Tommy is. It's been no secret to Benrey but Gordon's never been confronted with it like this. Tommy's  _ tough.  _

"Mr. Freeman, you really need to stop acting like this. If– if something's wrong, you can tell us, you know?" So Tommy had picked up on it too. Given his clear confusion, it seems like Bubby is the only one who hadn't seen it, which is understandable given he'd probably been more concerned about making sure Coomer wouldn't get hurt. 

Gordon pauses, arms lowering as he looks at Tommy, blinking as if he’s having a hard time processing his words. He says nothing, so Tommy pushes forward.

"You can _talk_ to us, Gordon," and the use of his first name makes him flinch. Any attention that wasn't already on Tommy is definitely there now. "You don't have to hide how you feel. And, uh, even if we don't understand it, that doesn't mean we won't do what we can to help. So cut the shit and tell us what's wrong."

All eyes are on Tommy. Even if it's not abnormal for him to talk like that, it doesn't happen often and Gordon has definitely not heard it before. He's gaping at Tommy, arms dangling at his side. He blinks then, and all traces of the stormy anger are gone as his eyes grow glossy with unshed tears. There’s a harsh clang that makes Benrey jump as Gordon’s crowbar hits the floor. He’s staring at the ground now, and Benrey can see his hand trembling as it clenches and unclenches around nothing.

“Y-you’re right,” Gordon murmurs, voice quiet. “I’m… I’m sorry. You guys are already dealing with so much. I-”

Gordon’s voice cracks and he brings his hand up to run through his hair, practically tugging on it. Tommy’s hand moves, and gently takes a hold on Gordon’s wrist, startling the man enough that he whips his head up to look at Tommy, eyes wide. Benrey can’t see Tommy’s face from where they’re standing but they imagine he’s probably giving Gordon a small smile. 

“It’s alright, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy says, and it’s soft. Benrey can see Gordon relaxing, albeit slowly. “What if we just find a place to sit, and you- you can tell us what happened, ok?”

Gordon nods, blinking quickly in a clear attempt to hold back his tears. He looks away, eyes briefly meeting Benrey’s before they’re back on the ground.

“Wonderful idea, Tommy! How about you, Bubby and I go scout out a room, then?” Dr. Coomer chimes in. Benrey’s eyes snap over to his, and he’s looking right back at them. He knows exactly what he’s suggested, and Benrey isn’t entirely sure how they feel about it. Gordon looks over at him too, also clearly picking up on the implication, but before he can get a word of protest in, Tommy speaks up.

“Y-yeah, sounds like a good plan!” He looks back at Gordon, and Benrey can see him give Gordon’s hand a small squeeze before dropping it. He then turns to Benrey, and his smile softens. “We- we’ll be quick. As quick as… a cat going after a mouse.”

Benrey can’t help but smile in return, the metaphor endearingly nonsensical. Tommy then turns and heads to Bubby and Coomer, the trio quickly taking off down the hall and disappearing around a corner. 

Leaving Gordon and Benrey alone. 

It’s stupidly awkward. Benrey has to hold back the urge to say something stupid about cringe social moments. Gordon won’t look at Benrey. He clears his throat, and shuffles to slowly pick up his crowbar and it’s making everything so much  _ worse.  _ The guy is like a professional in being awkward. He moves to lean against the opposite wall of the hallway, before slowly sliding down it until he’s sitting. After a moment of deliberation, Benrey walks over to do the same, leaving a good foot of space between them. 

And they sit there in complete silence for what feels like an eternity. The tension is so thick, Benrey can practically feel it crushing them. Finally, Benrey’s had enough. They open their mouth the same time Gordon does.

“yo, uh-” 

“Benrey, I-”

Both go quiet for a moment.

“You go first-”

“no, you-”

“Benrey, I’m not playing this game with you-”

“then fucking say what you wanna say, feetman-”

“Feetman?! Where the fuck did that come from?”

“gordon feetman.”

“That explains nothing.”

“don’t gotta explain shit to you, cringeman.”

“Jesus, that’s even worse.”

“just say what you wanted to say, gordon!” 

Gordon looks slightly taken aback by the use of his name. He blinks, eyes wide, before he cracks a smile and lets out a small laugh. Benrey can feel the tension leaking out of them at the sound and sight of Gordon smiling again. They huff, but don’t try to hide their smile. It hadn’t even been a day and yet they realize they had desperately missed the banter with Gordon. They can tell he’d missed it too. 

After a few moments of a much more relaxed quiet, Gordon sighs. He looks at Benrey, and his gaze is soft. He’s still troubled, there’s something deeply upsetting him, but Benrey can tell none of it is directed at them anymore. 

“Benrey, I… I’m sorry.” 

“gordon, it’s-”

“No, Benrey, I shouldn’t have… I’ve been acting like such an asshole today. None of you deserved it.” Gordon bites his lip, brow furrowing. “I… I-”

Benrey reaches out and grabs Gordon’s hand. He shuts his mouth with an audible click, eyes snapping to their hands. Benrey runs their thumb over Gordon’s knuckles, hoping he’ll be able to feel it through the thick fabric of the HEV suit’s gloves. Gordon’s hand is trembling, and Benrey brings it up to cup their cheek. Gordon’s eyes follow the movement, until they meet Benrey’s own. His cheeks are flushed dark, and Benrey imagines they must look similar. They glance away, chewing on their lip as they suddenly realize they have no idea where to go from here. 

“look... it’s uh… i…” Benrey makes a small sound, desperately trying to think of what to say that the game will allow. “you don’t…. need to say sorry or anything to me, bro. it’s... it’s all good. weren’t even that mean to  _ me.  _ no hard feelings here. promise, man. we’re good. long as… long as you are?”

Benrey cringes at how stilted and awkward their words are, even to them. But Gordon seems to understand. He smiles, tired and gentle. 

“I’m… I’m not good right now. I’ll explain everything, though. I just…” Gordon leans in suddenly, head resting against Benrey’s shoulder in a facsimile of a hug. Benrey freezes for a moment, but quickly moves to return the embrace. They pull him close, feel him tremble against them. 

He murmurs something, but it’s muffled in the fabric of their shirt, and they can’t make it out. They don’t say anything in response, and Gordon makes no attempt to repeat himself. They sit like that as they wait. Benrey nearly dozes off but the sound of approaching footsteps makes them jolt. They don’t immediately pull away from Gordon as they straighten up. Gordon, obviously having heard the footsteps as well, pulls back just enough to glance at Benrey, and then down the hall. They both watch, almost tense, until a familiar face turns the corner. 

Tommy is already smiling the moment he lays eyes on them, and speeds up his approach until he’s practically running. Gordon pulls back, much to Benrey’s chagrin, and moves to stand, chuckling softly but ultimately ignoring Benrey’s petulant whine. Tommy stops a few feet from Gordon, looking between them with a knowing glint. He doesn’t comment on it, even as Gordon reaches out his hand to help Benrey up and doesn’t let go when they’re standing beside him.

“you guys find a spot, tommy?” Benrey asks before Gordon can get a chance to speak. Tommy smiles wider, and nods.

“We did! It’s not too far from here b-but we should probably hurry. We gotta keep moving… moving forward at some point,” Tommy is saying as he turns and starts walking back the way he came. Benrey starts ahead, tugging Gordon along with them.

“right-o.” 

Gordon follows along silently, and Benrey glances back to see him watching Tommy, brow knotted anxiously. He looks at Benrey briefly, before his eyes trail back to the man in front of them.

“T-Tommy, wait-” Gordon starts, but Tommy quickly interjects.

“We can talk once we’re safe, Mr. Freeman. It’s alright.” He glances over his shoulder and gives Gordon a small smile. It seems to ease him, if only a little, and his grip on Benrey’s hand tightens as he speeds up enough to match pace with Benrey.

“Right, right,” he mumbles, just loud enough for Benrey to hear. They get the impression he doesn’t even realize he’s talking out loud. “Once we’re safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAA IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG i got stuck on this chapter and ALSO ive been working on a lot of big projects (shameless self promo, check out my art blog @dammjamboy on tumblr i'm most active there <3)
> 
> anyways hope you enjoy! will DEF try to have the next chapter up a lot sooner!! and also thank u all for the comments they're so motivating and i just TwT tyy

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading! comments and kudos always appreciated <3


End file.
